Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Hell hath no fury...

like a hair follicle scorned.

So it's been a week or so since I updated either one of my blogs and I figured I'd give you all the story of why. As a word of warning, this is probably not a tale for the squeamish.

It was a dark and stormy night...no wait...it was a pleasant afternoon last Wednesday when I first became aware of a small lump growing on the inside of my thigh. I didn't find this particularity unnerving as I usually get one or two smallish boils growing in that area around he same time of year. By Friday afternoon it had swollen to the size of a golf ball and the wife was demanding that I go see a doctor. I assured her that it was nothing to worry about and that I'd be fine (I'm quite stubborn when it comes to seeing doctors). So that turned out to be a mistake as by Saturday afternoon it was closer to the size of a baseball, the wife says softball, but she played hockey so what the fuck does she know about it. So at that point even stubborn old me decided that seeing a doctor wasn't the worst idea.

We headed over to our friendly neighbourhood no appointment necessary medical centre and I was pleasantly pleased to only wait 5 minutes to see a doctor (I sit at least 3 times that long in my dentists waiting room when I do have an appointment). He poked my lump with his finger a couple of times, wrote me a 'script for some antibiotics and told me to go see a doctor again on Monday if it hadn't shrunk.

Fast forward to Monday. It hadn't gotten any better. In fact it was now a rather off putting purple colour, all the skin around it was dying and every step I took felt like someone was jabbing a knife into my leg (or so I thought at the time). So off to the emergency room I drag myself, sit around the waiting room for an hour and a half (a rather quick wait in the emergency room by Saskatchewan standards) and am then put into a room. Well it wasn't so much a room as it was a large closet, with 4 beds in it, separated by curtains. The fellow one bed over was having his flesh ripped from his body by a rabid wolverine, at least that's what his screams made it sound like. After a few minutes a nurse came in to take a set of vitals. She did my blood pressure 3 times before deciding that the original one was in fact accurate and that my blood pressure was high. She told me that peoples blood pressure is usually somewhat elevated just by the experience of being in the ER. I retorted that it was more likely due to the fact that I'm at least 60 pounds overweight and live on a diet of crap. She conceded that that could also be a part of the problem.

About 10 minutes passed before the doctor came in (at this point I was dressed in one of those jaunty little hospital gowns, even their largest size fit me like a minidress). He poked my lump a couple of times, told me that it likely wouldn't get any better on it's own and that he should probably surgically drain it. Great. He also noted that I had the high blood pressure, was sweating profusely at this point and asked if I was diabetic. I told him I didn't believe so but that I hadn't been tested either. He sent in a nurse to run a test on me and thankfully it turns out I'm not diabetic. I have little doubt that I will be one day as it runs on both sides of my family, but I wasn't looking forward to starting daily insulin shots before my 30th birthday. So with that out of the way they sent me off down the hall to a larger room with better light (still wearing my lovely puke green minidress with the back flapping in the wind). The nurse came in to set up the room with the various items the doctor would need and also told me I'd need to remove my underwear. Excellent, nothing I enjoy more than having some dude operating on my leg with my nether parts flapping in the wind.

So the doctor walks in followed by an intern (and of course it has to be a cute female intern). At this point I'm really beginning to wish that I had opted for the whole being knocked unconscious thing, but silly me told him to just do it with a local so that we didn't have to wait for an operating room and anesthesiologist to be available. So then the doctor gets a phone call and steps out of the room to take it, leaving me and the intern to make small talk. Yep nothing like trying to make small talk with someone you've just met while laying in bed naked from the waist down with a great big lump hanging off your leg. I expect that Miss Manners doesn't cover this scenario in any of her books.

Here come the gory details. You've been warned twice now so it ain't my fault if you read on and get disgusted (if you weren't already disgusted enough at the mental image of me laying in a hospital bed naked).

So the procedure to get rid of this stupid thing isn't fancy in any way. The doctor injected the area with a local anesthetic (which really only dulls the pain, doesn't eliminate it), draws out a syringe full of the fluid and then makes an incision into the lump. At that point blood and pus start spilling out of it. Then he inserts the scalpel into the lump and jabs around a little bit to break up any harder bits (oh, that's what being stabbed in the leg really feels like, and even with the local it is extremely unpleasant). He then flushes out the now empty cavity with a sterile liquid until all the bad stuff is out of there. Next up he packs the cavity with some sort of sterile packing material leaving the end sticking out of the incision. So for the next week or so I get to pull an inch or so of the packing material out of my own leg each day, snip it off, and change the dressing.

Anyone still reading this?

Upon discussion with the doctor, the absence of any cut or scratch in the area means that the most likely cause of the infection was an ingrown hair. So remember kiddies the lesson learned here is to get rid of those ingrown hairs long before someone is cutting into your leg with a scalpel.


Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Weird video

I don't even know what to make of this...


Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Women are insane.

Well, possibly not all of them, but certainly the ones I know, and especially the one I married.

In case I haven't made this clear before, I'm a giant nerd. I watch Star Trek, I read comics, I watch shitty genre TV series like Smallville, and I play games. I'm not talking about the uber cool and trendy new console games or the even slightly less acceptable computer games. I'm talking role playing games, miniature war games and board games. This weekend our local gaming club ran it's annual convention, a larger than usual gathering of nerds acting nerdy. Nerdy fun was had by all. One of the main side effects of a large gathering of gamers is sleep deprivation. Over the course of a weekend you see lots of people you might not have seen in several months and chat with them, play games 'til the wee hours of the morning and then start again as early as possible the next day.

I was up very early on Friday (5 am) and laid down and had a nap from about 4 in the afternoon until 6 (when the doors would be open at the convention site). I went and played board games all night and ended up crawling into bed at about 3am. Then I was up by 8, gamed all day and was back in bed around 3 again. I then awoke at 7 and couldn't get back to sleep. Screwed around on the computer some, went and had breakfast and went back to gaming. Gamed until 4:30 in the afternoon and then decided I should probably go home and have a nap as I had to work from 8pm until 8am.

That was an incredibly long winded set up to my initial point.

So I've slept a total of 10 or so hours out of the previous 60. I'm 2 hours from having to go work an incredibly boring 12 hour shift and I crawl into bed, followed by my wife. As I'm drifting off into lalaland she tells me that my cousin called and left a message inviting us out for her birthday:

Me: That's nice.
Her: It's on Saturday.
Me: Ok, I don't have any plans for Saturday.
Me: (thinking) What the fuck just happened?
Me: Hon, what, I'm sorry. Did we already have plans for Saturday?
Me: (thinking)Crap!

Our anniversary is actually on Sunday, but I was scheduled to work so we agreed to celebrate on Saturday. So I managed to beg and plead a coworker to trade me shifts next week so I could have Sunday off as well to make this whole crisis go away.

So ladies, please do your men a favour and don't try and do any scheduling while we are trying to sleep, had I been fully awake I would hae remembered that our anniversary was this weekend and much WAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHing could have been averted.


Friday, May 19, 2006

New blog

Because no one else would ever publish any of my shitty photography I've started a photoblog.

Check it out.


Wednesday, May 17, 2006


Bored as heck tonight so I did some of these retarded quizzes, as it turns out I'm one bad mofo, but of course I already knew that.


Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Ugly Dog



Wahhhhh, we can't compete....

"The Canadian Association of Broadcasting says the future of commercial radio is so uncertain that it needs the federal regulator to make some important concessions to protect its future."
Translation: Uhhhhhh...our product sucks so bad that we need the government to change some laws so that we can stay in business. What a giant load of horse shit. To me the most telling statement in the article is this one:
"Already satellite radio, the Internet, and even personal devices such as the IPod are providing serious competition."
Gee, what is the main difference between those systems and regular radio? Oh ya, I get to decide what I want to listen to not some semi-retarded programming director who is getting kickbacks from the record company to shove more Britney Spears down my throat. I also don't have to listen to 10 minutes of commercials every hour or hear some lame DJ promo whatever shitty band is playing at the local hick bar tonight. Radio is basically the same now as it was 100 years ago. Why is it that people no longer travel by steamship from Europe or cross country by train? Something better came along. Face reality regular shitty radio, you time is nearing it's end.


Monday, May 15, 2006


Oh man, where do I sign up to be a lab monkey? 24 hour access to a booze dispensing machine would be a great job perk.


Wednesday, May 10, 2006


Lots of old crap here but it might be new to someone.

A discussion at work the other night got me remembering some of the shittiest musical numbers of all time. So, for your listening horror I present 3 virtuoso's of shite, William Shatner, Leonard Nimoy and the grandaddy of them all Mr. David Hasselhoff.

In a non celebrity way this cracks me up.

Someone's science project about incredibly safe sex can be found here.

I've often wondered whether or not my ass could be more minty...now I have my answer.

A less interesting blog than mine. I hope the owner is OK, she hasn't updated in awhile.

Japanese people are fucked up. (This one probably isn't work safe, although I'm not sure exactly which rule it would break)

Don't let your dog leave home without one.

Ok people, time for you all to get back to work :P


Best T-Shirt Ever

I've been meaning to place an order to T-Shirt Hell and I think this is the shirt that will make me forget about how silly shipping fees from the states are...and the dollar is doing wicked lately so that helps as well.


Tuesday, May 09, 2006

News time again...

"Britain, France and Germany are cobbling together a United Nations incentives package to induce Iran to halt its nuclear program, a European diplomat said Tuesday."
Here's the incentive plan I'd offer. Dismantle your nuclear program now and we won't carve your country into pieces and give them to your neighbours. That would be a pretty good incentive. Exactly what is the message that Britain, France and Germany are sending to the power mad despots of the world? Develop a nuclear program and we'll pay you to stop? Once again, this asshat running Iran has made himself a very big target and someone needs to slap him hard so that no one else gets the idea that ignoring the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty is a good idea.
"Pop star Britney Spears told late-night talk show host David Letterman she's pregnant again."
OWWWWW...I think I just had a stroke.


Monday, May 08, 2006

Summer movie season is here

Went and saw MI:III (damn that's a lot of I's) on Saturday night. It was pretty good. Standard action movie implausible crap with a healthy dose of shooting and explosions. It was way better than that shitty James Bond + The Matrix = Crap MI:II. Don't misunderstand me, personally I still think Tom Cruise is a repulsive weirdo who should be straighjacketed and thrown in a rubber room, but he can still perform reasonably well in a movie that doesn't require more than modest acting skills. Philip Seymour Hoffman plays a wicked bad guy. Yep all in all it was worth the price of admission.
Nothing I want to see opening this weekend, but next weekend has The DaVinci Code and the week after that it's time for some more X-Men goodness. I do love the nonstop mindless entertainment (and air conditioning) that the movie theatre provides all summer.



I'm bored so I decided to fill in one of these questionairre things, I'm not sure why, I highly doubt anyone gives a shit, but feel free to fill out a copy yourself and leave it as a comment.


Do you bite your nails?: Yes, it's a filthy habit but I can't stop
Can you roll your tongue?: Yes, i am incredibly talented
Can you raise one eyebrow?: Yes
Can you blow smoke rings?: No, several people have tried to teach me this skill over the years but I just can't do it.
Can you blow spit bubbles?: Yes
Can you cross your eyes?: Sure can
Tattoos?: No, but I have some ideas, this will happen eventually
Piercing and where? None, I'm not morally opposed, just never done it.
Do you make your bed daily?: Why? It's just going to get messed up again anyway.
Which shoe goes on first?: Whichever
Speaking of shoes, have you ever thrown one at anyone?: I'm sure I have.
What jewellery do you wear 24/7?: None
Would you rather be on time and look OK or 10 minutes late and look great?: I'm never late, and i always try to look somewhat presentable.
Favourite piece of clothing: A well broken in pair of jeans.
Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it?: Who the fuck cuts spaghetti?
How many cereals in your cabinet? A few, Frosted Flakes, Rice Krispies, Shreddies...
What utensils do you use to eat pizza?: Fingers or knife and fork depending on type of pizza
Do you cook?: I try to, sometimes it works out better than others.

How often do you brush your teeth?: At least once a day, usually more, I floss a couple of times a day and gargle often, there is no excuse for bad breath.
How often do you shower/bathe?: Daily
How long does your shower last?: 5-10 minutes

Do you swear?: Sometimes :P
Do you ever spit?: Yes, but never at anyone.

Do you use an alarm clock?: Not usually, only if I have something real important to do at a certain time.
Ever suntanned nude? I'd have to be outside during daylight hours for that, so no.
Window seat or aisle?: Window, it's the only thing that makes air travel tolerable.
What's your sleeping position?: Whatever I can contort myself into on the sliver of the bed that the wife isn't hogging :P
Even in hot weather do you use a blanket?: No.
Do you snore?: I'm told i do, but i don't believe it.
Do you sleepwalk?: Not since I was a kid...some amusing stories there, but I'll save them for another time.
Do you sleep with a stuffed animal?: No, I'm heterosexual, thanks

What is the first thing you notice about the opposite sex?: Eyes generally...then boobs...what can I say, I'm a guy.
WHICH IS BETTER... *Coke or Pepsi?: Coke...then Generic coke knockoff...then water...then milk...then spoiled milk...then Pepsi.
Oranges or apples?: At Christmas time Oranges, rest of the year Apples
One pillow or two?: 1, but it's one of those ginormous body pillow deals.
Pools or hot tubs?: hot tubs
Blondes or brunettes?: Redheads
Tall or short?: Well tall would be nice, but given that I'm 6' 6" they generally all seem short
Beach or pool: meh.
Hamburger or Cheeseburger?: Cheeseburger
Morning or night?: I'm most definatelya night person.
Christmas Eve or Christmas Day?: Boxing Day, when everything gets back to normal.
Cake or ice cream?: Cake, especially cheesecake.
Dog or Cat?: Dog, cats a vile evil little creatures
Bath or shower?: Shower

Took a shower?: This afternoon
Watched Bambi?: When I was a kid
Talked on the phone: professionaly a few minutes ago, personally a few days ago
Read a book? A few months ago I suppose, unless we're counting comic books.
Punched someone? My birthday, 6 months ago, it was my cousin, he bled a little. I let him hit me back.

Where do you see yourself in ten years? No idea
Who are you going to be married to?: My wife I would expect, unless she has poisoned me to death by then.

Well, I'm no less bored then when I started...


Wednesday, May 03, 2006

My new favourite website

Great Images in Nasa

The best pictures that NASA has taken, from the very early days of the space race up until the most recent shuttle missions and the best pictures from hubble. A ton of breathtaking pictures to be found here, and as works of the US Government they are public domain, so feel free to use them as you like.


Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Some more views on the news.

New Orleans' new disaster plan: Get out of town

"Mayor Ray Nagin unveiled a new evacuation strategy for New Orleans on Tuesday that relies more on buses and trains and eliminates the Superdome and Convention Center as shelters."

That's an excellent plan. Here's how to make it better. Implement it now. Everyone take your insurance checks and go find a place to live that isn't below sea level in an area called Hurricane alley. Would you choose to live someplace called "Plague of Locusts Boulevard" or "Constantly Falling Meteors Road"? The Gulf coast didn't get it's nickname as an ironic reference to it's lack of hurricanes. People are starving to death and the American government is going to put tens of billions of dollars into rebuilding a city that is going to get leveled again in exactly the same way sometime in the next 50 years. This isn't the 1750's anymore, people don't have to live on the water, you can pipe it in from anywhere. Anyone who was living there when Katrina hit and is still living there when the next one flattens the place is getting zero sympathy from me.

Woman, 104, takes man, 33, as husband No. 21

"A 33-year-old man in northern Malaysia has married a 104-year-old woman, saying mutual respect and friendship had turned to love, a news report said Tuesday."

I've got nothing here. There's an Anna Nicole Smith joke to be made here and I just can't quite figure it out.
"Firebrand radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh was charged Friday with fraudulently concealing information to obtain prescription drugs, but prosecutors will drop the charge after 18 months if Limbaugh remains in treatment for drug addiction, his lawyer said."
Let us take a look at some of the things this bloated blowhard and self appointed moral compass has said about drug users over the years.
"And we have laws against selling drugs, pushing drugs, using drugs, importing drugs. And the laws are good because we know what happens to people in societies and neighborhoods which become consumed by them. And so if people are violating the law by doing drugs, they ought to be accused and they ought to be convicted and they ought to be sent up."
And one of my personal favourites:
"Too many whites are getting away with drug use...Too many whites are getting away with drug sales...The answer is to go out and find the ones who are getting away with it, convict them and send them up the river, too."
You may have just surpassed our dear friend Val as the world's biggest hypocrite Rush. If these quotes accurately reflect your beliefs Rush, then why didn't you act like a man, admit your guilt and throw yourself at the mercy of the court? It sickens and disgusts me that someone like you who holds themselves up as a paragon of virtue that we should all aspire to be like, when revealed to be nothing more than a common drug addict, can get away without even admitting any guilt because of who you know and who you can write a cheque to.
"Keith Richards has been released from a New Zealand hospital where the Rolling Stones guitarist was admitted with a head injury after he reportedly fell out of a palm tree."
Why the fuck is Keith Richards climbing palm trees? Here's a tip Keith, if you want a coconut give one of the local kids a dollar, they'll probably follow you around all day supplying as many coconuts as you'd like.